Whew!

The spots were just spots, so no cancer! Mom was tested for the BRAC gene which is the breast cancer gene, and she tested negative! Yeah! At least we know that it is not genetic, but as the doctor said, cancer has no rules. So now we just have to be diligent in our check-up's.

On another note we (meaning me and my husband) to cancel our cable TV subscription and go without it for a while. TV seems to be a slow acting poison that is the cause of a lot of things not getting done in our household. Dishes, sleep etc. Even Hayden is already conditioned to watching TV. So now we will stick with DVD's, and maybe even try other things, like READING! I have not read a book in so long. I am working on my crocheting, and would like to expand my knitting to things other than scarves and dish cloths. Even Hayden will have to use his imagination, and as parents we will definately be more engaging. Now our Saturday mornings will be spent doing something else besides watching TV while eating breakfast for 2 hours. We won't be totally without cable in our lives-both are parents have it, so if we need a fix, we can just go over there.

So at the end of the month-we will say good-bye to cable. This will put an additional $80 in our pocket, we may even use that to join the YMCA. That way Doug and I can work out and Hayden can be in kid watch, and take swim lessons.

Mom wants a tattoo?!

So I am prepping for some outpatient surgery tomorrow. I am having the rest of the "spots" on my right side removed as there is still a chance that they could be or turn into cancer. Everything will be done under local, but I will still be asleep-so I won't know what's going on.

I have 2 tats which coincide with some major surgery that my mom went through, first the triple bypass and then the mastectomy. So now I am thinking that I should get another one in conjunction with my surgery. I had a dream a couple of weeks ago that I tattooed a couple of small pink ribbons on my boob and when I went to the doctor for my follow-up he told me that I would have to have surgery-and I said "Crap! why did I do that? Now they may have to cut through them!". Silly, I know. But my brain scares me sometimes.

So I am discussing my latest tat idea with my mom (who dislikes them really, but likes the latest one), and asks if it's painful. I said, that it depends on where you get it done-I almost fell asleep when they did the one on my lower back. She had her eyebrows and eyeliner tattooed on-I asked her if that hurt. Then I asked her if she wanted one-and she said that she was thinking about a small pink ribbon on her mastetomy side...WHAT?!? You want a tattoo??? WTF? Who are you and what did you do with my mother? Totally blew me away, but I also thought it was cool.

So I am trying to relax-this procedure has been done a thousand times, and I have a really good team. I still think I could use a Xanax right now.

So tomorrow, when I am done, I will be a litttle lopsided. Oh well, it could be worse.

The result of all this is that me, who was once a pink hater (still am really) am gravitating to things that are pink-but those that are connected with the breast cancer stuff-so not like I'm doing pink wardrobe or anything. Now the color pink has a different meaning for me.

Now we wait....I hate to wait

Waiting is not one of my best traits-I am known for my impatience. Just tell me now, I need it now, I want it now. Hayden is the same way-but he's just 2. This does not bode well as both Doug and I are not known for patience-although parenthood has helped us improve a lot.

I had my biopsy today-I was face down on a table for an hour as a probe took samples for testing. The last time I was facedown on a table for that long I was getting my second tattoo done-it was more painful in that there was no anestesia-but I guess my tolerance for pain is quite high since I almost fell asleep. Not this time. All the noises, everything happening underneath you so you can't see anything. I also couldn't move-not one muscle, or they would have to start the process all over again.

Lucky for me I was cooperative and everything went off without a hitch.

Now we wait, I hate to wait. Especially for news like this-which is potentialy life changing. Funny-in times of severe emotional stress, I tend to want to subject myself to pain-the pain of tatttoos. Ask Belinda, she'll tell you about my first tattoo. My mom was going through triple by-pass surgery, my then boyfriend (now my bastard ex-boyfriend who really doesn't deserve this much space) broke up with me that same night. I was a wreck. Belinda knew it but supported me anyway. I told her-I'm getting a tattoo tonight and you're coming with me. All she said was-"kay"... I don't regret it, I love my tattoo-but it needs to be reworked a bit.

My second tattoo happened when my mom was going through her breast surgery-mastectomy and lumpectomy. My sister from Seattle was here and we in solidarity for my mom got pink ribbon tattos-mine has angel wings, and hers has a seahorse holding a pink ribbon in it's tail.

Now the waiting for the biopsy (the procedure itself scared the hell out of me), and waiting for the results is driving me crazy. I don't want to stress eat anymore-as I need to lose weight. (It doesn't help that I work walking distance from Sprinkles and Crumbs). I really don't want to take up smoking again-as I don't want to jeopardize my health that way-so I am feeling the need for some ink. It's calorie free and won't mess up my lungs.

I think I will wait-as I don't want to do something permanent on a whim and have it turn out really crappy. Besides-Sandy wants to go with me so I'll wait.

I think I'll get a babysitter for Friday night, go to the shooting range (yes, guns) and rent some big toys and shoot the hell out of some paper. Then go to Panns for some fried chicken...

Thanks so much to all of you who have sent me good thoughts and well wishes. This has helped me more than you will ever know.

I should know the results in a couple of days....until then I have to wait.

I may have cancer....

Mammograms are a blessing and a curse. On one hand they are good for early detection or any detection of the possibility of cancer. On the other hand-they can bring either good news or bad news.

My latest mammogram has showed that I have something going on on the right side-but can not determine for sure if the spots are good or bad. So I have to submit to a biopsy (steriotactic core biopsy to be exact) to determine if the spots they see are good ones or bad ones.

The procedure itself is complicated in that I have to lie face down on a table with my boob hanging down, then compressed, then a "needle" inserted to take samples to be sent to the lab. I am not looking forward to the procedure, but the waiting for the results is going to be hell. If they come back negative-great news! But that does not mean that I am in the clear. They may want to remove the bad area anyway, just in case, because later on the good can turn into the bad. If it's bad news-then surgery for sure, and then follow up. At this stage, he prognosis would be good, as I was not feeling any lumps or bumps-so if cancer it would be caught early. I am worried, I have been stress eating, and have only had 1 cigarette (quite an accomplishment!). My family is being very supportive, and my mom especially has been a help, since she is a breast cancer survivor. Her first battle had her in remission for 15 years, the second battle, although more advanced, has also been won, and now she is in remission again.

This time the tables are turned and she is the one telling me that everything will be ok, and we will get through it no matter what the news.

So that's the short story-I find out by the end of the week if I have the big "C".

It also does't help that my beloved dog Olie-whom we have had for over 10 years seems to be on the decline. He is having seizures, and my mom is just beside herself. The dogs are like her family and losing Olie now would be devasating.

I consider this to be the 2nd and 3rd in the bad things happen in 3's, as I would consider my mom's recurrence of cancer to be the first.

As Porky Pig would say, that's all folks!

I'll update as warranted...

Humans are the cruelest of animals

You come across many animal cruelty stories on the net and wonder what compells a person to stick a 6 week old kitten in a microwave and TURN IT ON!! What is going through your mind!! Never mind the fact that there are people out there unable to take care of themselves, having children who end up being abused and neglected. How is it that someone is raised with out any sense of compassion or empathy. How can anyone perpetuate this type of behavior? Why is it all of a sudden OK to be mean and cruel and then blame someone else.

Those with no personal sense of responsibility need to have their head checked, and those with no empathy need to either have counseling or be done with.

You would think that evolution would weed out these sort of behaviors, yet we seem to be fostering them and that just sucks.

Boobs

Boobs, every one has them, and some are bigger than others. But can we live without them? Women use them to feed their babies (if they so choose and are able to do so), men, well maybe these are just vestigial since they do not serve the same function as they do in women.

What would happen if we evolved into a boobless society? Women would find another way to feed their infants, and there would probably be no change for men.

Boobs can be problematic. Women worry that theirs are too small, and make them larger. For those who are blessed/cursed with extra large boobs, they can be made smaller. Women are often judged by their boobs. Some are more attractive with small ones and some are more attractive with big ones. And some are just right.

Boobs can get cancer, then need to be reduced and possibly removed. When removed, it can feel like a part of you has been taken away, an important part that can severely affect your self esteem. There are fixes for this, implants, prosthetics. But no matter what you do, you still look at yourself in the mirror and see someone who is incomplete. After a while, this feeling will go away, but for some it may be harder than others.

For, me I still have both of mine, so I cannot imaging how it feels to have only one or none. Thousands of women (my mother being one of them) deal with this every day. If society didn't put such importance on boobs would attitudes change? No one knows.

All I know is that losing any body part can be traumatic. No one wants to be incomplete and feel like a freak. Truth of the matter is, it's only a body part and it does not define who you are as a person.

Boobs or no boobs, this should not change who you are.

The Evolution of Cancer

It has now come to the point where if you are diagnosed with cancer, there are some that are better than others. My mother was just diagnosed with breast cancer after just over 15 years of remission. This time the lumps were on the other side.

Bad news: Yes, they are malignant.

Good news: One is low grade non-invasive, and the other is invasive but non-aggressive.

Either way she has cancer. The doctor said that this was not a life-threatening deal. But the fact of the matter is, she still has cancer.

The advantage these days is that cancer, although bad, does not have to be life threatening. There are enough advances in the research of cancer that they can now identify the good and the bad, and can take proper steps to treat it. My mother's doctor said that a full mastectomy should do the trick, no chemo or radiation needed. This is also good news in that my mom's immune system is already weak, I am not sure if she could take the treatments and continue her life as she knows it.

The first time she went throught this-she was still working, and relatively social, and the only thing needed was a lumpectomy. She could not go through the radiation due to abnormalities in her liver. But she kept up with her follow up's religiously and she remained cancer free for just over 15 years. It was easier the first go round, Mom was healthier and occupied, I was single and could concentrate fully on taking care of her.

This go round, mom is retired, has gone through a triple bypass and is in constant pain from rheumatoid arthritis. She just doesn't bounce back like she used. I am married with a wonderful 2-year old son, so my time has to be divided between my mom and my family.

The news is relatively the same, the treatment a little more drastic, but with the same outcome. But this time it seems a lot harder to cope than before. I find myself crying more, and sometimes getting through the day can be difficult. Luckily I have not craved any cigarettes which means although I get weepy, I am handling the pressure ok. I was mad at God for a while, asking why this had to happen again. My mother has been through numerous health and personal issues, and when she became a Lola, I thought that this was her time to be able to enjoy life. But no, God decided that she needed another test. Mom was angry too. We went to church together, and it was tough to get through-for both of us. We just sat and stared at a painting of Jesus above the altar, waiting for something to hit us so we would finally understand why this was happening. But nothing came. At that point I was no longer mad but indifferent. I almost did not go to communion for fear of feeling like a hypocrite, but something turned on inside of me, and I realized that no matter how angry I was, I could never say that God didn't exist. I could be mad and let him know that I was mad, but then I could turn around and ask for strength and support and know that I will be heard.

I believe that my son will be the saving grace for both of us. Don't get me wrong, my husband has been nothing but supportive through all this, and I am happy that I don't have to go through this alone like before, but Hayden is the ray of sunshine when my world is dim. His energy is boundless and his love is unconditional. I am blessed to have such a loving son, with a wonderfully even temper and great personality. Not to mention so cute you just want to eat him up! He is the apple of my mom's eye-she looks forward to the days she spends with Hayden, and misses him when he is not there. He will be the one to get us through this, and he won't even know it. All he has to do is be himself.