Ok-turning 40 did not seem like a big deal 6 months ago. But a had dinner with a couple of girlfriends a couple of months ago, and I was informed that I will be tuning 40 next year (this was last year) and are you planning to do anything? The question caught me off guard because 1-I wasn't thinking about my birthday, and 2-the fact that I was turning 40 never entered my always busy brain. I was planning Hayden's 3rd birthday, but my birthday didn't seem that important, until I realized that it was a milestone birthday...
Truthfully, I never imagined that I would be 40. Not that I didn't think I would live that long, but it always seemed so far away. When you are little 20 seems old, and when you are 20, 30 is old, and 40 is ancient, and when you are 30 you kind of stop counting unless you are pregnant and they start treating you like you are the oldest woman in the world to have babies and you need to make sure that you be careful about EVERYTHING (well, that's how the docs made me feel with I was pregant with Hayden at 36!).
I'm going to be 40. Should I be feeling a certain way? I'm not really dreading it (I've just moved up to another age bracket for surveys), I don't feel 40, not that I know how 40 should feel. A couple of friends have already turned 40, and they don't seem any different. No midlife crisis, no trying to party like you were in your 20's, no plastic surgery (boob lift's don't count, Carrie).
People, places, magazines attempt to categorize you when you reach a certain age, and well 4o might as well be on death's doorstep. You can't do the things you did when you were 20, well duh, I'm older and know better...the 30's are a kind of weird in between stage...and 40 is when you are supposed to be increasing your vitamins because your body is slowly breaking down...
Well, I refuse to be categorized, if you are hung up on a number than that's your problem. I am as old as I feel, and I don't feel 40..I don't feel 20, but I don't feel 40.
So here is what's going to happen..I am going to go have dinner with my mom the night before, go to Disneyland with my boys on my birthday, and then celebrate with my friends the next evening...and ring in 40 like an adult. I may get completly plastered (after only 2 drinks-I'm a lightweight)-but HEY! it's my birthday!
Then I will continue life as I have been, raising my son (and husband), working (although a career change may be in order...), socializing (FaceBook has given me back a social network of REAL friends that I really enjoy hanging out with) and being ME! I will always want to upgrade to the latest and greatest electronic device, sit on the floor and play with puppies, yell and scream at hockey games even if my team is losing, enjoy pb & j sandwiches and yummy cake with extra frosting..
So for those of us turning 40 this year...let's give a finger to those who label us and raise a glass in celebration!!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Things I am Thankful for...
Thanksgiving is usually the time that review what we are thankful for in life..but the holidays usually make me look back on all the things that happened during the past year.
I don't usually write down that I am thankful for, but this year it would be nice to see and then I can put things into perspective.
Ever since I became a mom, not only am I more weepy than I used to be ( and I am NOT happy that I cry when Lilo gets taken away in the space ship and yells for Stitch not to leave her-when in high school I was able to watch Terms of Endearment and not shed a tear...,), but I am more aware of the little things. Little things like hearing Hayden call for me when he wakes up in the morning, him telling me that he loves me when I am reading to him before bed time. I could go on and on.
So-here are the things/people that I am thankful for (in no particular order):
Hayden-who brings laughter to my day
Doug-who loves me no matter what-and truly is my soulmate
Mom-my best friend and worst critic, without whom my life would be horribly incomplete. I cannot imaging my life without her
Work-I am employed, and have a nice flexible schedule and good working environment
Health-although I am on meds for high blood pressure and my cholesterol is high ( all hereditary so nothing I could have really done about it) I am grateful that overall my health is good
Tammy-my soul sister who keeps me real
Aileen-my other soul sister who keeps me laughing
God-whom I do not talk to enough, and only seem to think of in times of stress-I should be going to Church more often
Facebook-without it I would be sitting around thinking I had no friends, and probably would not have seen Twilight until it came out on DVD. It also gave me my social life back...
Bill and Donna-no one could have a better set of in-laws, they are always there when we need them.
Marcela-she is helping raise Hayden and molding him into the wonderful, smart, loving child that he is because she loves him like her own.
There are so many other things well people that I am grateful for having in my life...
I may not drive the fanciest car, or live in a spacious house, or wear all the top designer labels, but I am happy and content with what I have. My husband works at a job he loves and does not bring it home with him. No blackberries, and never gets calls at night. I have job that give me a flexible enough schedule that I can take off if needed to take care of Hayden if he is sick. I get more than decent pay plus raises and holiday bounus. We have what we need, which is each other. Good family, good friends, a roof over our head, and a little boy who can make the crappiest day go away with a twinkling smile.
So life is good.
I don't usually write down that I am thankful for, but this year it would be nice to see and then I can put things into perspective.
Ever since I became a mom, not only am I more weepy than I used to be ( and I am NOT happy that I cry when Lilo gets taken away in the space ship and yells for Stitch not to leave her-when in high school I was able to watch Terms of Endearment and not shed a tear...,), but I am more aware of the little things. Little things like hearing Hayden call for me when he wakes up in the morning, him telling me that he loves me when I am reading to him before bed time. I could go on and on.
So-here are the things/people that I am thankful for (in no particular order):
Hayden-who brings laughter to my day
Doug-who loves me no matter what-and truly is my soulmate
Mom-my best friend and worst critic, without whom my life would be horribly incomplete. I cannot imaging my life without her
Work-I am employed, and have a nice flexible schedule and good working environment
Health-although I am on meds for high blood pressure and my cholesterol is high ( all hereditary so nothing I could have really done about it) I am grateful that overall my health is good
Tammy-my soul sister who keeps me real
Aileen-my other soul sister who keeps me laughing
God-whom I do not talk to enough, and only seem to think of in times of stress-I should be going to Church more often
Facebook-without it I would be sitting around thinking I had no friends, and probably would not have seen Twilight until it came out on DVD. It also gave me my social life back...
Bill and Donna-no one could have a better set of in-laws, they are always there when we need them.
Marcela-she is helping raise Hayden and molding him into the wonderful, smart, loving child that he is because she loves him like her own.
There are so many other things well people that I am grateful for having in my life...
I may not drive the fanciest car, or live in a spacious house, or wear all the top designer labels, but I am happy and content with what I have. My husband works at a job he loves and does not bring it home with him. No blackberries, and never gets calls at night. I have job that give me a flexible enough schedule that I can take off if needed to take care of Hayden if he is sick. I get more than decent pay plus raises and holiday bounus. We have what we need, which is each other. Good family, good friends, a roof over our head, and a little boy who can make the crappiest day go away with a twinkling smile.
So life is good.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
We'll miss you Olie
My beloved Olie passed away early this morning. He had been battling something but couldn't figure out what. My mom and I had first adopted him 10 years ago, he was about 3 at the time. He gave us many years of happiness and we will really miss him.
He was pretty smart, could sit and lay down and turn around. Sometimes he would run through all 3 without us telling him so he could get a treat. He was referred to as the "rasta" dog because he was so easy going. We think he had some sort of brain tumor. For the past month he was getting progressively weaker. Last night, all he wanted to do was go into a corner. I knew he was not comfortable, but he would not come to me. I prayed asking God to take him quickly so he doesn't suffer. If he ended up making it through the night, I would have made the decision to put him to sleep anyway-I didn't want Olie to suffer anymore. He did so much for us, the least we could do is let him go with dignity.
As it stands, he went on his own terms. I did not have to make the decision to put him down, and he was at home with us and not in some cold Vet's office with people he did not know poking and prodding him.
He is at peace now, playing with his sister Minute, his Uncle Peanut, and cousins Scrunchie, Poobah and all the other beloved pets who have left.
When he comes back home, he will sit right next to Minute, so they will remain together in our house.
It's quiet in the house now. Even with Lappy. I know he misses Olie even though he used to harrass him But he was just a young dog trying to get the old man to play.
I don't know if Hayden has been asking for Olie. When he does, we will just tell him that he went on a trip. Thankfully he's only 2 and has other things to keep his mind busy.
We love you Olie, and we miss you lots.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Whew!
The spots were just spots, so no cancer! Mom was tested for the BRAC gene which is the breast cancer gene, and she tested negative! Yeah! At least we know that it is not genetic, but as the doctor said, cancer has no rules. So now we just have to be diligent in our check-up's.
On another note we (meaning me and my husband) to cancel our cable TV subscription and go without it for a while. TV seems to be a slow acting poison that is the cause of a lot of things not getting done in our household. Dishes, sleep etc. Even Hayden is already conditioned to watching TV. So now we will stick with DVD's, and maybe even try other things, like READING! I have not read a book in so long. I am working on my crocheting, and would like to expand my knitting to things other than scarves and dish cloths. Even Hayden will have to use his imagination, and as parents we will definately be more engaging. Now our Saturday mornings will be spent doing something else besides watching TV while eating breakfast for 2 hours. We won't be totally without cable in our lives-both are parents have it, so if we need a fix, we can just go over there.
So at the end of the month-we will say good-bye to cable. This will put an additional $80 in our pocket, we may even use that to join the YMCA. That way Doug and I can work out and Hayden can be in kid watch, and take swim lessons.
On another note we (meaning me and my husband) to cancel our cable TV subscription and go without it for a while. TV seems to be a slow acting poison that is the cause of a lot of things not getting done in our household. Dishes, sleep etc. Even Hayden is already conditioned to watching TV. So now we will stick with DVD's, and maybe even try other things, like READING! I have not read a book in so long. I am working on my crocheting, and would like to expand my knitting to things other than scarves and dish cloths. Even Hayden will have to use his imagination, and as parents we will definately be more engaging. Now our Saturday mornings will be spent doing something else besides watching TV while eating breakfast for 2 hours. We won't be totally without cable in our lives-both are parents have it, so if we need a fix, we can just go over there.
So at the end of the month-we will say good-bye to cable. This will put an additional $80 in our pocket, we may even use that to join the YMCA. That way Doug and I can work out and Hayden can be in kid watch, and take swim lessons.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Mom wants a tattoo?!
So I am prepping for some outpatient surgery tomorrow. I am having the rest of the "spots" on my right side removed as there is still a chance that they could be or turn into cancer. Everything will be done under local, but I will still be asleep-so I won't know what's going on.
I have 2 tats which coincide with some major surgery that my mom went through, first the triple bypass and then the mastectomy. So now I am thinking that I should get another one in conjunction with my surgery. I had a dream a couple of weeks ago that I tattooed a couple of small pink ribbons on my boob and when I went to the doctor for my follow-up he told me that I would have to have surgery-and I said "Crap! why did I do that? Now they may have to cut through them!". Silly, I know. But my brain scares me sometimes.
So I am discussing my latest tat idea with my mom (who dislikes them really, but likes the latest one), and asks if it's painful. I said, that it depends on where you get it done-I almost fell asleep when they did the one on my lower back. She had her eyebrows and eyeliner tattooed on-I asked her if that hurt. Then I asked her if she wanted one-and she said that she was thinking about a small pink ribbon on her mastetomy side...WHAT?!? You want a tattoo??? WTF? Who are you and what did you do with my mother? Totally blew me away, but I also thought it was cool.
So I am trying to relax-this procedure has been done a thousand times, and I have a really good team. I still think I could use a Xanax right now.
So tomorrow, when I am done, I will be a litttle lopsided. Oh well, it could be worse.
The result of all this is that me, who was once a pink hater (still am really) am gravitating to things that are pink-but those that are connected with the breast cancer stuff-so not like I'm doing pink wardrobe or anything. Now the color pink has a different meaning for me.
I have 2 tats which coincide with some major surgery that my mom went through, first the triple bypass and then the mastectomy. So now I am thinking that I should get another one in conjunction with my surgery. I had a dream a couple of weeks ago that I tattooed a couple of small pink ribbons on my boob and when I went to the doctor for my follow-up he told me that I would have to have surgery-and I said "Crap! why did I do that? Now they may have to cut through them!". Silly, I know. But my brain scares me sometimes.
So I am discussing my latest tat idea with my mom (who dislikes them really, but likes the latest one), and asks if it's painful. I said, that it depends on where you get it done-I almost fell asleep when they did the one on my lower back. She had her eyebrows and eyeliner tattooed on-I asked her if that hurt. Then I asked her if she wanted one-and she said that she was thinking about a small pink ribbon on her mastetomy side...WHAT?!? You want a tattoo??? WTF? Who are you and what did you do with my mother? Totally blew me away, but I also thought it was cool.
So I am trying to relax-this procedure has been done a thousand times, and I have a really good team. I still think I could use a Xanax right now.
So tomorrow, when I am done, I will be a litttle lopsided. Oh well, it could be worse.
The result of all this is that me, who was once a pink hater (still am really) am gravitating to things that are pink-but those that are connected with the breast cancer stuff-so not like I'm doing pink wardrobe or anything. Now the color pink has a different meaning for me.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Now we wait....I hate to wait
Waiting is not one of my best traits-I am known for my impatience. Just tell me now, I need it now, I want it now. Hayden is the same way-but he's just 2. This does not bode well as both Doug and I are not known for patience-although parenthood has helped us improve a lot.
I had my biopsy today-I was face down on a table for an hour as a probe took samples for testing. The last time I was facedown on a table for that long I was getting my second tattoo done-it was more painful in that there was no anestesia-but I guess my tolerance for pain is quite high since I almost fell asleep. Not this time. All the noises, everything happening underneath you so you can't see anything. I also couldn't move-not one muscle, or they would have to start the process all over again.
Lucky for me I was cooperative and everything went off without a hitch.
Now we wait, I hate to wait. Especially for news like this-which is potentialy life changing. Funny-in times of severe emotional stress, I tend to want to subject myself to pain-the pain of tatttoos. Ask Belinda, she'll tell you about my first tattoo. My mom was going through triple by-pass surgery, my then boyfriend (now my bastard ex-boyfriend who really doesn't deserve this much space) broke up with me that same night. I was a wreck. Belinda knew it but supported me anyway. I told her-I'm getting a tattoo tonight and you're coming with me. All she said was-"kay"... I don't regret it, I love my tattoo-but it needs to be reworked a bit.
My second tattoo happened when my mom was going through her breast surgery-mastectomy and lumpectomy. My sister from Seattle was here and we in solidarity for my mom got pink ribbon tattos-mine has angel wings, and hers has a seahorse holding a pink ribbon in it's tail.
Now the waiting for the biopsy (the procedure itself scared the hell out of me), and waiting for the results is driving me crazy. I don't want to stress eat anymore-as I need to lose weight. (It doesn't help that I work walking distance from Sprinkles and Crumbs). I really don't want to take up smoking again-as I don't want to jeopardize my health that way-so I am feeling the need for some ink. It's calorie free and won't mess up my lungs.
I think I will wait-as I don't want to do something permanent on a whim and have it turn out really crappy. Besides-Sandy wants to go with me so I'll wait.
I think I'll get a babysitter for Friday night, go to the shooting range (yes, guns) and rent some big toys and shoot the hell out of some paper. Then go to Panns for some fried chicken...
Thanks so much to all of you who have sent me good thoughts and well wishes. This has helped me more than you will ever know.
I should know the results in a couple of days....until then I have to wait.
I had my biopsy today-I was face down on a table for an hour as a probe took samples for testing. The last time I was facedown on a table for that long I was getting my second tattoo done-it was more painful in that there was no anestesia-but I guess my tolerance for pain is quite high since I almost fell asleep. Not this time. All the noises, everything happening underneath you so you can't see anything. I also couldn't move-not one muscle, or they would have to start the process all over again.
Lucky for me I was cooperative and everything went off without a hitch.
Now we wait, I hate to wait. Especially for news like this-which is potentialy life changing. Funny-in times of severe emotional stress, I tend to want to subject myself to pain-the pain of tatttoos. Ask Belinda, she'll tell you about my first tattoo. My mom was going through triple by-pass surgery, my then boyfriend (now my bastard ex-boyfriend who really doesn't deserve this much space) broke up with me that same night. I was a wreck. Belinda knew it but supported me anyway. I told her-I'm getting a tattoo tonight and you're coming with me. All she said was-"kay"... I don't regret it, I love my tattoo-but it needs to be reworked a bit.
My second tattoo happened when my mom was going through her breast surgery-mastectomy and lumpectomy. My sister from Seattle was here and we in solidarity for my mom got pink ribbon tattos-mine has angel wings, and hers has a seahorse holding a pink ribbon in it's tail.
Now the waiting for the biopsy (the procedure itself scared the hell out of me), and waiting for the results is driving me crazy. I don't want to stress eat anymore-as I need to lose weight. (It doesn't help that I work walking distance from Sprinkles and Crumbs). I really don't want to take up smoking again-as I don't want to jeopardize my health that way-so I am feeling the need for some ink. It's calorie free and won't mess up my lungs.
I think I will wait-as I don't want to do something permanent on a whim and have it turn out really crappy. Besides-Sandy wants to go with me so I'll wait.
I think I'll get a babysitter for Friday night, go to the shooting range (yes, guns) and rent some big toys and shoot the hell out of some paper. Then go to Panns for some fried chicken...
Thanks so much to all of you who have sent me good thoughts and well wishes. This has helped me more than you will ever know.
I should know the results in a couple of days....until then I have to wait.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
I may have cancer....
Mammograms are a blessing and a curse. On one hand they are good for early detection or any detection of the possibility of cancer. On the other hand-they can bring either good news or bad news.
My latest mammogram has showed that I have something going on on the right side-but can not determine for sure if the spots are good or bad. So I have to submit to a biopsy (steriotactic core biopsy to be exact) to determine if the spots they see are good ones or bad ones.
The procedure itself is complicated in that I have to lie face down on a table with my boob hanging down, then compressed, then a "needle" inserted to take samples to be sent to the lab. I am not looking forward to the procedure, but the waiting for the results is going to be hell. If they come back negative-great news! But that does not mean that I am in the clear. They may want to remove the bad area anyway, just in case, because later on the good can turn into the bad. If it's bad news-then surgery for sure, and then follow up. At this stage, he prognosis would be good, as I was not feeling any lumps or bumps-so if cancer it would be caught early. I am worried, I have been stress eating, and have only had 1 cigarette (quite an accomplishment!). My family is being very supportive, and my mom especially has been a help, since she is a breast cancer survivor. Her first battle had her in remission for 15 years, the second battle, although more advanced, has also been won, and now she is in remission again.
This time the tables are turned and she is the one telling me that everything will be ok, and we will get through it no matter what the news.
So that's the short story-I find out by the end of the week if I have the big "C".
It also does't help that my beloved dog Olie-whom we have had for over 10 years seems to be on the decline. He is having seizures, and my mom is just beside herself. The dogs are like her family and losing Olie now would be devasating.
I consider this to be the 2nd and 3rd in the bad things happen in 3's, as I would consider my mom's recurrence of cancer to be the first.
As Porky Pig would say, that's all folks!
I'll update as warranted...
My latest mammogram has showed that I have something going on on the right side-but can not determine for sure if the spots are good or bad. So I have to submit to a biopsy (steriotactic core biopsy to be exact) to determine if the spots they see are good ones or bad ones.
The procedure itself is complicated in that I have to lie face down on a table with my boob hanging down, then compressed, then a "needle" inserted to take samples to be sent to the lab. I am not looking forward to the procedure, but the waiting for the results is going to be hell. If they come back negative-great news! But that does not mean that I am in the clear. They may want to remove the bad area anyway, just in case, because later on the good can turn into the bad. If it's bad news-then surgery for sure, and then follow up. At this stage, he prognosis would be good, as I was not feeling any lumps or bumps-so if cancer it would be caught early. I am worried, I have been stress eating, and have only had 1 cigarette (quite an accomplishment!). My family is being very supportive, and my mom especially has been a help, since she is a breast cancer survivor. Her first battle had her in remission for 15 years, the second battle, although more advanced, has also been won, and now she is in remission again.
This time the tables are turned and she is the one telling me that everything will be ok, and we will get through it no matter what the news.
So that's the short story-I find out by the end of the week if I have the big "C".
It also does't help that my beloved dog Olie-whom we have had for over 10 years seems to be on the decline. He is having seizures, and my mom is just beside herself. The dogs are like her family and losing Olie now would be devasating.
I consider this to be the 2nd and 3rd in the bad things happen in 3's, as I would consider my mom's recurrence of cancer to be the first.
As Porky Pig would say, that's all folks!
I'll update as warranted...
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