Things I am Thankful for...

Thanksgiving is usually the time that review what we are thankful for in life..but the holidays usually make me look back on all the things that happened during the past year.

I don't usually write down that I am thankful for, but this year it would be nice to see and then I can put things into perspective.

Ever since I became a mom, not only am I more weepy than I used to be ( and I am NOT happy that I cry when Lilo gets taken away in the space ship and yells for Stitch not to leave her-when in high school I was able to watch Terms of Endearment and not shed a tear...,), but I am more aware of the little things. Little things like hearing Hayden call for me when he wakes up in the morning, him telling me that he loves me when I am reading to him before bed time. I could go on and on.

So-here are the things/people that I am thankful for (in no particular order):

Hayden-who brings laughter to my day

Doug-who loves me no matter what-and truly is my soulmate

Mom-my best friend and worst critic, without whom my life would be horribly incomplete. I cannot imaging my life without her

Work-I am employed, and have a nice flexible schedule and good working environment

Health-although I am on meds for high blood pressure and my cholesterol is high ( all hereditary so nothing I could have really done about it) I am grateful that overall my health is good

Tammy-my soul sister who keeps me real

Aileen-my other soul sister who keeps me laughing

God-whom I do not talk to enough, and only seem to think of in times of stress-I should be going to Church more often

Facebook-without it I would be sitting around thinking I had no friends, and probably would not have seen Twilight until it came out on DVD. It also gave me my social life back...

Bill and Donna-no one could have a better set of in-laws, they are always there when we need them.

Marcela-she is helping raise Hayden and molding him into the wonderful, smart, loving child that he is because she loves him like her own.

There are so many other things well people that I am grateful for having in my life...

I may not drive the fanciest car, or live in a spacious house, or wear all the top designer labels, but I am happy and content with what I have. My husband works at a job he loves and does not bring it home with him. No blackberries, and never gets calls at night. I have job that give me a flexible enough schedule that I can take off if needed to take care of Hayden if he is sick. I get more than decent pay plus raises and holiday bounus. We have what we need, which is each other. Good family, good friends, a roof over our head, and a little boy who can make the crappiest day go away with a twinkling smile.

So life is good.

We'll miss you Olie

My beloved Olie passed away early this morning. He had been battling something but couldn't figure out what. My mom and I had first adopted him 10 years ago, he was about 3 at the time. He gave us many years of happiness and we will really miss him.

He was pretty smart, could sit and lay down and turn around. Sometimes he would run through all 3 without us telling him so he could get a treat. He was referred to as the "rasta" dog because he was so easy going. We think he had some sort of brain tumor. For the past month he was getting progressively weaker. Last night, all he wanted to do was go into a corner. I knew he was not comfortable, but he would not come to me. I prayed asking God to take him quickly so he doesn't suffer. If he ended up making it through the night, I would have made the decision to put him to sleep anyway-I didn't want Olie to suffer anymore. He did so much for us, the least we could do is let him go with dignity.

As it stands, he went on his own terms. I did not have to make the decision to put him down, and he was at home with us and not in some cold Vet's office with people he did not know poking and prodding him.

He is at peace now, playing with his sister Minute, his Uncle Peanut, and cousins Scrunchie, Poobah and all the other beloved pets who have left.

When he comes back home, he will sit right next to Minute, so they will remain together in our house.

It's quiet in the house now. Even with Lappy. I know he misses Olie even though he used to harrass him But he was just a young dog trying to get the old man to play.

I don't know if Hayden has been asking for Olie. When he does, we will just tell him that he went on a trip. Thankfully he's only 2 and has other things to keep his mind busy.

We love you Olie, and we miss you lots.

Whew!

The spots were just spots, so no cancer! Mom was tested for the BRAC gene which is the breast cancer gene, and she tested negative! Yeah! At least we know that it is not genetic, but as the doctor said, cancer has no rules. So now we just have to be diligent in our check-up's.

On another note we (meaning me and my husband) to cancel our cable TV subscription and go without it for a while. TV seems to be a slow acting poison that is the cause of a lot of things not getting done in our household. Dishes, sleep etc. Even Hayden is already conditioned to watching TV. So now we will stick with DVD's, and maybe even try other things, like READING! I have not read a book in so long. I am working on my crocheting, and would like to expand my knitting to things other than scarves and dish cloths. Even Hayden will have to use his imagination, and as parents we will definately be more engaging. Now our Saturday mornings will be spent doing something else besides watching TV while eating breakfast for 2 hours. We won't be totally without cable in our lives-both are parents have it, so if we need a fix, we can just go over there.

So at the end of the month-we will say good-bye to cable. This will put an additional $80 in our pocket, we may even use that to join the YMCA. That way Doug and I can work out and Hayden can be in kid watch, and take swim lessons.

Mom wants a tattoo?!

So I am prepping for some outpatient surgery tomorrow. I am having the rest of the "spots" on my right side removed as there is still a chance that they could be or turn into cancer. Everything will be done under local, but I will still be asleep-so I won't know what's going on.

I have 2 tats which coincide with some major surgery that my mom went through, first the triple bypass and then the mastectomy. So now I am thinking that I should get another one in conjunction with my surgery. I had a dream a couple of weeks ago that I tattooed a couple of small pink ribbons on my boob and when I went to the doctor for my follow-up he told me that I would have to have surgery-and I said "Crap! why did I do that? Now they may have to cut through them!". Silly, I know. But my brain scares me sometimes.

So I am discussing my latest tat idea with my mom (who dislikes them really, but likes the latest one), and asks if it's painful. I said, that it depends on where you get it done-I almost fell asleep when they did the one on my lower back. She had her eyebrows and eyeliner tattooed on-I asked her if that hurt. Then I asked her if she wanted one-and she said that she was thinking about a small pink ribbon on her mastetomy side...WHAT?!? You want a tattoo??? WTF? Who are you and what did you do with my mother? Totally blew me away, but I also thought it was cool.

So I am trying to relax-this procedure has been done a thousand times, and I have a really good team. I still think I could use a Xanax right now.

So tomorrow, when I am done, I will be a litttle lopsided. Oh well, it could be worse.

The result of all this is that me, who was once a pink hater (still am really) am gravitating to things that are pink-but those that are connected with the breast cancer stuff-so not like I'm doing pink wardrobe or anything. Now the color pink has a different meaning for me.

Now we wait....I hate to wait

Waiting is not one of my best traits-I am known for my impatience. Just tell me now, I need it now, I want it now. Hayden is the same way-but he's just 2. This does not bode well as both Doug and I are not known for patience-although parenthood has helped us improve a lot.

I had my biopsy today-I was face down on a table for an hour as a probe took samples for testing. The last time I was facedown on a table for that long I was getting my second tattoo done-it was more painful in that there was no anestesia-but I guess my tolerance for pain is quite high since I almost fell asleep. Not this time. All the noises, everything happening underneath you so you can't see anything. I also couldn't move-not one muscle, or they would have to start the process all over again.

Lucky for me I was cooperative and everything went off without a hitch.

Now we wait, I hate to wait. Especially for news like this-which is potentialy life changing. Funny-in times of severe emotional stress, I tend to want to subject myself to pain-the pain of tatttoos. Ask Belinda, she'll tell you about my first tattoo. My mom was going through triple by-pass surgery, my then boyfriend (now my bastard ex-boyfriend who really doesn't deserve this much space) broke up with me that same night. I was a wreck. Belinda knew it but supported me anyway. I told her-I'm getting a tattoo tonight and you're coming with me. All she said was-"kay"... I don't regret it, I love my tattoo-but it needs to be reworked a bit.

My second tattoo happened when my mom was going through her breast surgery-mastectomy and lumpectomy. My sister from Seattle was here and we in solidarity for my mom got pink ribbon tattos-mine has angel wings, and hers has a seahorse holding a pink ribbon in it's tail.

Now the waiting for the biopsy (the procedure itself scared the hell out of me), and waiting for the results is driving me crazy. I don't want to stress eat anymore-as I need to lose weight. (It doesn't help that I work walking distance from Sprinkles and Crumbs). I really don't want to take up smoking again-as I don't want to jeopardize my health that way-so I am feeling the need for some ink. It's calorie free and won't mess up my lungs.

I think I will wait-as I don't want to do something permanent on a whim and have it turn out really crappy. Besides-Sandy wants to go with me so I'll wait.

I think I'll get a babysitter for Friday night, go to the shooting range (yes, guns) and rent some big toys and shoot the hell out of some paper. Then go to Panns for some fried chicken...

Thanks so much to all of you who have sent me good thoughts and well wishes. This has helped me more than you will ever know.

I should know the results in a couple of days....until then I have to wait.

I may have cancer....

Mammograms are a blessing and a curse. On one hand they are good for early detection or any detection of the possibility of cancer. On the other hand-they can bring either good news or bad news.

My latest mammogram has showed that I have something going on on the right side-but can not determine for sure if the spots are good or bad. So I have to submit to a biopsy (steriotactic core biopsy to be exact) to determine if the spots they see are good ones or bad ones.

The procedure itself is complicated in that I have to lie face down on a table with my boob hanging down, then compressed, then a "needle" inserted to take samples to be sent to the lab. I am not looking forward to the procedure, but the waiting for the results is going to be hell. If they come back negative-great news! But that does not mean that I am in the clear. They may want to remove the bad area anyway, just in case, because later on the good can turn into the bad. If it's bad news-then surgery for sure, and then follow up. At this stage, he prognosis would be good, as I was not feeling any lumps or bumps-so if cancer it would be caught early. I am worried, I have been stress eating, and have only had 1 cigarette (quite an accomplishment!). My family is being very supportive, and my mom especially has been a help, since she is a breast cancer survivor. Her first battle had her in remission for 15 years, the second battle, although more advanced, has also been won, and now she is in remission again.

This time the tables are turned and she is the one telling me that everything will be ok, and we will get through it no matter what the news.

So that's the short story-I find out by the end of the week if I have the big "C".

It also does't help that my beloved dog Olie-whom we have had for over 10 years seems to be on the decline. He is having seizures, and my mom is just beside herself. The dogs are like her family and losing Olie now would be devasating.

I consider this to be the 2nd and 3rd in the bad things happen in 3's, as I would consider my mom's recurrence of cancer to be the first.

As Porky Pig would say, that's all folks!

I'll update as warranted...

Humans are the cruelest of animals

You come across many animal cruelty stories on the net and wonder what compells a person to stick a 6 week old kitten in a microwave and TURN IT ON!! What is going through your mind!! Never mind the fact that there are people out there unable to take care of themselves, having children who end up being abused and neglected. How is it that someone is raised with out any sense of compassion or empathy. How can anyone perpetuate this type of behavior? Why is it all of a sudden OK to be mean and cruel and then blame someone else.

Those with no personal sense of responsibility need to have their head checked, and those with no empathy need to either have counseling or be done with.

You would think that evolution would weed out these sort of behaviors, yet we seem to be fostering them and that just sucks.

Boobs

Boobs, every one has them, and some are bigger than others. But can we live without them? Women use them to feed their babies (if they so choose and are able to do so), men, well maybe these are just vestigial since they do not serve the same function as they do in women.

What would happen if we evolved into a boobless society? Women would find another way to feed their infants, and there would probably be no change for men.

Boobs can be problematic. Women worry that theirs are too small, and make them larger. For those who are blessed/cursed with extra large boobs, they can be made smaller. Women are often judged by their boobs. Some are more attractive with small ones and some are more attractive with big ones. And some are just right.

Boobs can get cancer, then need to be reduced and possibly removed. When removed, it can feel like a part of you has been taken away, an important part that can severely affect your self esteem. There are fixes for this, implants, prosthetics. But no matter what you do, you still look at yourself in the mirror and see someone who is incomplete. After a while, this feeling will go away, but for some it may be harder than others.

For, me I still have both of mine, so I cannot imaging how it feels to have only one or none. Thousands of women (my mother being one of them) deal with this every day. If society didn't put such importance on boobs would attitudes change? No one knows.

All I know is that losing any body part can be traumatic. No one wants to be incomplete and feel like a freak. Truth of the matter is, it's only a body part and it does not define who you are as a person.

Boobs or no boobs, this should not change who you are.

The Evolution of Cancer

It has now come to the point where if you are diagnosed with cancer, there are some that are better than others. My mother was just diagnosed with breast cancer after just over 15 years of remission. This time the lumps were on the other side.

Bad news: Yes, they are malignant.

Good news: One is low grade non-invasive, and the other is invasive but non-aggressive.

Either way she has cancer. The doctor said that this was not a life-threatening deal. But the fact of the matter is, she still has cancer.

The advantage these days is that cancer, although bad, does not have to be life threatening. There are enough advances in the research of cancer that they can now identify the good and the bad, and can take proper steps to treat it. My mother's doctor said that a full mastectomy should do the trick, no chemo or radiation needed. This is also good news in that my mom's immune system is already weak, I am not sure if she could take the treatments and continue her life as she knows it.

The first time she went throught this-she was still working, and relatively social, and the only thing needed was a lumpectomy. She could not go through the radiation due to abnormalities in her liver. But she kept up with her follow up's religiously and she remained cancer free for just over 15 years. It was easier the first go round, Mom was healthier and occupied, I was single and could concentrate fully on taking care of her.

This go round, mom is retired, has gone through a triple bypass and is in constant pain from rheumatoid arthritis. She just doesn't bounce back like she used. I am married with a wonderful 2-year old son, so my time has to be divided between my mom and my family.

The news is relatively the same, the treatment a little more drastic, but with the same outcome. But this time it seems a lot harder to cope than before. I find myself crying more, and sometimes getting through the day can be difficult. Luckily I have not craved any cigarettes which means although I get weepy, I am handling the pressure ok. I was mad at God for a while, asking why this had to happen again. My mother has been through numerous health and personal issues, and when she became a Lola, I thought that this was her time to be able to enjoy life. But no, God decided that she needed another test. Mom was angry too. We went to church together, and it was tough to get through-for both of us. We just sat and stared at a painting of Jesus above the altar, waiting for something to hit us so we would finally understand why this was happening. But nothing came. At that point I was no longer mad but indifferent. I almost did not go to communion for fear of feeling like a hypocrite, but something turned on inside of me, and I realized that no matter how angry I was, I could never say that God didn't exist. I could be mad and let him know that I was mad, but then I could turn around and ask for strength and support and know that I will be heard.

I believe that my son will be the saving grace for both of us. Don't get me wrong, my husband has been nothing but supportive through all this, and I am happy that I don't have to go through this alone like before, but Hayden is the ray of sunshine when my world is dim. His energy is boundless and his love is unconditional. I am blessed to have such a loving son, with a wonderfully even temper and great personality. Not to mention so cute you just want to eat him up! He is the apple of my mom's eye-she looks forward to the days she spends with Hayden, and misses him when he is not there. He will be the one to get us through this, and he won't even know it. All he has to do is be himself.

Thought of the day

No matter what one does, whether one's deeds serve virtue or vice, nothing lacks importance. All actions bear a kind of fruit. -Buddha

Quote of the Day

"The one serious conviction that a man should have is that nothing is to be taken too seriously."

-Nicholas Butler

My new potential tattoo

I first encountered the "lovebirds" at the Highland Games about 3 years ago. There was a vendor who was striking pendants with whatever design he had available. After watching this demonstration for a few minutes I knew I had to have one. Now this contraption was something to see. A big man in a kilt cranked a huge weight up to the top of this striking device, put the design and the blank medal in their appropriate spot, rang a bell, yelled "STRIKING!" and released the weight, which came down with a thunk (kind like the sound of a hammer hitting an anvil). You have to see it to appreciate it. Anyway, I picked a double sided pendant with a chinese dragon on one side and a pacific northwest symbol for the "lovebirds" on the other. The lovebirds of course symbolized me and Doug and the chinese dragon represented strength.

As I contemplate my next tattoo, I want something that was a happy symbol and not the one of angst that I currently have. Now some people would look at a sun with a yinyang in the middle as something positive-but when I got it my life was filled with angst. The sun with the yinyang for me represented strength and balance that I needed at that time of my life. Something I felt was sorely missing. Your first boyfriend breaks up with you while your mother is in the hospital undergoing a triple bypass (which he just called another sugery-jackass), and no one there to support you, to help you get through it. At that time, both my mom and then boyfriend were against tattoos-so as part of my coming of age-I decided to get one. My cousin Belinda was my accomplice-as she was the one that took me to the Purple Panther Tattoo parlor on Sunset Blvd to get my tattoo. She knew I was emotional at the time, but didn't ask questions, just supported what ever I wanted to do (bless her heart). So we walked in, picked my design, the guy drew it out for me, it was exactly what I wanted, and got it done. My mother came out of the surgery just fine, and I had my sense of peace and balance. I finally did something for myself. She did notice about 2 weeks later, and didn't blow a gasket. She said that it was already there, and there was nothing she could do about it. She was grateful that it was on my back, so it didn't show all the time (just when I chose to show it).

Well, that was about 6-7 years ago. Now I am at a point where I have achieved my strengh and balance. I am happily married and mom to the best little boy in the world. His chaos brings balance to my life, and makes me get my priorities straight.

The tattoo bug has hit me again. I need a happy tat now. So the lovebirds design I found will be the next one. I will also get my existing one retouched so I can have happy memories when I look at it.

This version of the lovebirds I found on the jewelry site of David Morgan came with the background. I am paraphrasing-so I might not have it exactly right- but there were two tribes in the Pacific Northwest that have two main clans-one represented by the eagle and the other by the raven. These two tribes were traditionally not supposed to intermarry, but do, so symbols interlinking the eagle and raven are traditionally given to the marrying couples. I feel this appropriate for me since my marriage is a mixed marriage in a few different ways. Doug is of Irish/Swedish descent (also kn own as Caucasion)and I am Pilipino/Spanish/Chinese descent (also known as Asian-Pacific Islander). Not only that, Doug is Methodist and I am Catholic-which also is called a mixed marriage. So traditionally in two ways we were not supposed to intermarry-but to hell with tradition...

Photo credit: David Morgan

Quote of the Day

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes" -Oscar Wilde

Pissed Off Song List

Here are the songs that I like to listen too when I am incredibly pissed off or really stressed (in no particular order):

-My Give a Damn's Busted (Jo Dee Messina)
-U and UR Hand (P!nk)
-Good Bye Earl (Dixie Chicks)
-Anything by Linkin Park